Communication

Pahoran.org Blog

The S in TREATS

2025/07/01 12:00 AM

In this final step of the TREATS framework, I focus on Sincere Respect—the kind of respect that doesn’t just tolerate differences but honors the relationship, even when agreement isn’t reached. It’s about ending the conversation with gratitude, humility, and care, as taught in Philippians 2:3. We explore how a simple thank you, a kind follow-up, or a heartfelt acknowledgment of the other person’s effort can shift a conversation from transactional to transformational. My hope is that by practicing sincere respect, we create emotional safety, reflect Christlike love, and walk away with stronger connections—even when it’s hard. Read More…

The Second T in TREATS

2025/06/08 12:00 AM

In this section of the TREATS framework, I explore the second “T” – Tell Your Truth – a vital step that comes after someone feels fully heard and understood. It’s not about defending yourself or correcting them; it’s about sharing your own experience with humility, clarity, and care. Using “I” statements and asking for permission first helps keep the conversation safe and open. This step is deeply rooted in the principles of Nonviolent Communication and scriptural teachings like Colossians 4:6, which remind us to speak with grace. When done right, telling your truth builds mutual understanding, fosters connection, and strengthens relationships. My hope is that this encourages honest, Christlike dialogue where both people feel valued. Read More…

The A in TREATS

2025/06/01 12:00 AM

In this part of the TREATS framework, I focus on the importance of asking and confirming what we’ve heard after rephrasing and empathizing. This step is all about slowing down, checking our understanding, and showing the other person they truly matter. By asking simple questions like, “Did I get that right?” or “Is there more?” we move out of assumption and into connection. Through examples, scripture, and practical tips, I explore how asking for confirmation builds trust, deepens understanding, and honors the Savior’s call to seek, knock, and listen with love (Matthew 7:7). My hope is that this step empowers us to create safe, honest conversations where people feel seen, not judged. Read More…

The E in TREATS

2025/05/16 12:00 AM

In this post, I explore the “E” in TREATS-Empathize-and how truly stepping into someone else’s emotional shoes can transform difficult conversations. By drawing on scriptural examples of compassion and sharing practical ways to validate feelings, I highlight how empathy disarms conflict and fosters connection. My hope is that by practicing this skill, we can mirror the Savior’s love, creating conversations where others feel seen, heard, and valued-even in disagreement.
Read More…

The R in TREATS

2025/05/01 12:00 AM

In this post, I focus on the “R” in TREATS-Rephrase-highlighting the importance of restating what someone says in your own words before moving forward in a tough conversation. By practicing this simple but powerful step, supported by scriptural wisdom, we show respect, build trust, and lay the groundwork for real understanding. My hope is that by using rephrasing, we can keep our conversations clear, compassionate, and Christlike.
Read More…

The First T in TREATS

2025/04/16 12:00 AM

In this post, I explore the first T in TREATS-Truth-by focusing on how, even in emotionally charged conversations, we can choose to seek out the real or underlying truth in what others are saying, rather than getting caught up in exaggerations or becoming defensive. Drawing on the teachings of Jesus (“And ye shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free,” John 8:32) and Viktor Frankl’s insight about our freedom to choose our response, I share practical examples and scriptural guidance for recognizing truth, asking clarifying questions, and keeping our conversations grounded in honesty and respect. My hope is that by pausing, listening, and acknowledging even small truths, we can foster more understanding, avoid common pitfalls, and create more meaningful and Christlike communication in our relationships. Read More…

TREATS: A Christ-Centered Approach to Meaningful Conversations

2025/04/01 12:00 AM

In this post, I share my journey from using Dr. David Burns’ EAR model-which I respect for its focus on empathy, assertiveness, and respect-to developing my own TREATS method for communication. While I appreciate the strengths of EAR, I found its Empathy step challenging because it combines several important skills (like Disarming Technique, Thought Empathy, Feeling Empathy, and Inquiry) into one, making it harder for me to remember and apply naturally. Wanting something more intuitive and heartfelt, I worked with Anne Taylor to create TREATS, which breaks these skills into simple, memorable steps: Truth, Rephrase, Empathize, Ask, Tell, and Sincere. This method emphasizes making sure the other person feels 100% heard before sharing my own perspective, echoing Stephen Covey’s Habit 5: Seek First to Understand, Then to Be Understood. I hope readers find encouragement in knowing that real connection takes daily effort, humility, and gratitude, and that both EAR and TREATS can help us listen, understand, and communicate with greater sincerity and respect. Read More…

The Path to Genuine Understanding

2025/03/01 12:00 AM

In this exploration of genuine empathy, I share how stepping into another's shoes can transform our interactions in our divided world. I outline a practical empathy challenge that invites us to argue others' perspectives as convincingly as our own, and I introduce how modern AI tools can help us practice this ancient wisdom. Drawing from my personal mission to strengthen others' cases rather than simply win arguments, I explain how this approach creates psychological safety and uncovers hidden truths. I identify warning signs of entrenched thinking and connect these insights to the concept of "The Sucker's Choice" from Crucial Conversations, offering scriptural wisdom from Matthew and the Book of Mormon along the way. My hope is that by embracing this practice, we'll move from competition to collaboration, creating space for genuine understanding and lasting resolutions while acknowledging that time constraints often complicate this process—a challenge we'll address in my next post. Read More…

Tags: Communication

Let Me Finish!

2025/02/16 12:00 AM

In this blog post, I explore the power of listening and the significance of recognizing the phrase "Let me finish" as a valuable cue in conversations. When someone says this, it’s often a sign they don’t feel heard—a crucial moment to pause, listen, and ensure they feel understood before continuing. I share a personal experience where choosing patience over confrontation helped resolve a financial dispute while preserving respect and boundaries. By embracing patience, empathy, and humility, we can foster trust and deeper connections. The ultimate takeaway is that acting with integrity and seeking understanding brings lasting peace, both in our relationships and within ourselves.
Read More…

Tags: Emotional Intelligence

The Wicked Take the Truth to Be Hard

2025/01/16 12:00 AM

In this blog post, we explore the lessons from Nephi’s interactions with his brothers in the Book of Mormon, particularly the tension between boldly speaking truth and fostering compassion. While Nephi’s directness in correcting his brothers was rooted in righteousness, his approach often led to resentment and alienation. Reflecting on his later introspection, we consider how his journey illustrates the importance of balancing truth with empathy. Drawing parallels to early Church history and modern examples, we examine how self-righteousness can obstruct understanding while patience and love create bridges for change. Ultimately, this post invites readers to thoughtfully apply Nephi’s story to their own lives—standing for truth while communicating it in ways that inspire growth, unity, and Christlike love.
Read More…

You Can't Tell Someone You Love Them and Then Vote for Someone Who Will Hurt Them

2025/01/01 12:00 AM

This blog post examines the statement "You can't tell someone you love them and then vote for someone who will hurt them," arguing that it oversimplifies the complexities of love, voting, and political discourse. It highlights the limitations of reducing voting to a single measure of love and the dangers of using love as a weapon for political gain. The article emphasizes the importance of respecting diverse perspectives, acknowledging the complexity of policy decisions, and engaging in constructive dialogue across political divides. It concludes by asserting that true love should be resilient enough to withstand political disagreement and that fostering understanding and respect is crucial for a healthy democracy. Read More…

Passive-Agressive

2024/12/16 12:00 AM

This blog post explores the concept of passive-aggressive behavior, acknowledging its often vague definition and difficulty in identifying concrete examples. It defines passive-aggressive behavior as the indirect expression of negative feelings, resentment, and aggression through non-assertive actions and comments. The post provides a table categorizing passive-aggressive statements and behaviors, including dismissive responses, guilt-inducing tactics, subtle criticism, invalidation, deflection, and resentment. It emphasizes the importance of open communication and encourages readers to be mindful of their own behavior and to cultivate patience and understanding in their interactions with others. Read More…

Tags: Communication

The Myth of 100%/100% in Marriage: A Thoughtful Perspective

2024/12/01 12:00 AM

In this post we'll explor the practicality and the centement behind marriage is 100%/100% from both partners. How to live this, not have unmet expectations, and to love unconditionally with boundaries (which sounds like an oxymoron). Read More…

Tags: Marriage, Communication

Boundaries, Autonomy, and Harmony in Relationships: Balancing Individuality and Unity

2024/09/01 12:00 AM

Building a strong relationship often requires reconciling personal boundaries with a partner’s sense of autonomy. In this post, I explore common scenarios where boundaries and personal beliefs collide, especially in marriage. Using examples, I show how deeply ingrained beliefs—often shaped by family upbringing or reinforced by religious teachings—can influence expectations and lead to misunderstandings. Rather than defaulting to passive compliance or rigid insistence, I suggest practical strategies for handling these situations constructively. Key steps, like open communication, mutual respect, and empathy, allow couples to honor each other’s individuality while nurturing a healthy, united partnership.
Read More…

Tags: Boundaries, Spouse

“Plugged-In”: A New Perspective on Frustrating Interactions

2024/08/01 12:00 AM

In our connected world, the term “plugged-in” serves as a fresh way to describe moments of frustration and tension during interactions, offering an alternative to “triggered,” which should be reserved for severe trauma reactions. “Plugged-in” accurately captures the surge of emotions when someone says or does something irritating, helping us manage these feelings without trivializing the experiences of trauma survivors. By recognizing when we’re “plugged-in,” identifying the source, communicating openly, taking breaks, finding healthy outlets, and seeking professional help if needed, we can improve our interactions and relationships. This shift in language fosters empathy, understanding, and more productive conversations, ultimately enhancing our emotional well-being. Read More…

Tags: Relationships

Deflection vs. Excuses: Understanding the Nuances and Consequences

2024/07/16 12:00 AM

Deflection and excuses are often mistaken for each other, but they have distinct purposes: deflection shifts blame away from oneself, while excuses provide reasons to justify one's actions. Both mechanisms can undermine personal accountability if left unchecked, leading individuals to believe their justifications are valid, which can strain relationships and breed resentment. To address these issues, promoting self-reflection, showing empathy, and encouraging accountability are essential. By distinguishing feelings from facts and involving individuals in problem-solving, we can foster open conversations and healthier interactions, ultimately supporting personal growth and more constructive relationships. Read More…

Tags: Communication

Expanding on Personal Boundaries: Insights and Practical Tips

2024/04/16 12:00 AM

In our previous post on personal boundaries from 01/01/2024, we explored how they can be a powerful tool for self-care and fostering healthy relationships. This post builds on that foundation by offering a deeper dive into the concept of boundaries and how they influence our interactions with others.
What's New?
This post expands on the previous one by:

Emphasizing the importance of self-awareness as the foundation for setting effective boundaries. We go beyond simply understanding your needs and values to focus on recognizing what makes you feel safe and respected.
Introducing the concept of autonomy in relation to boundaries. Boundaries don't control others, but they do influence how they interact with you based on the choices you make about your own life.
Providing a structured approach to defining, communicating, and enforcing boundaries.

Tags: Relationships, Boundaries

Influence Not Control

2024/04/01 12:00 AM

This blog post argues that offering advice shouldn't be about controlling others, but rather about influencing them to make informed decisions.
Key takeaways:

When giving advice, focus on exploring possible outcomes with the person instead of dictating the "right" answer.
Practice active listening to understand their situation and tailor your suggestions accordingly.
Respect their autonomy - it's their choice, and your role is to offer support regardless of the decision.

Benefits of this approach:

Stronger relationships built on trust and respect.
Personal growth for both parties through shared experiences.
Reduced stress by letting go of the need to control.

Tags: Relationships

Dependencies

2024/03/16 12:00 AM

In this post, I delve into the intricacies of various dependencies, focusing on finding a healthy balance, mainly through interdependence. I emphasize that while each form of dependency serves a purpose, some can lead to adverse outcomes, especially when they foster selfishness or stagnation. I discuss codependence in detail, highlighting the roles of the codependent individual and the enabler. Moving on, I explore dependency, stressing the importance of maintaining personal growth despite relying on others for specific needs. Interdependence emerges as a neutral ground, showcasing benefits such as emotional support, shared goals, and community collaboration. However, I also caution against pitfalls like codependency and loss of individuality within interdependent relationships. Finally, I touch on independence and self-sufficiency, advocating for autonomy while valuing interconnectedness. Overall, the post reflects my perspective on understanding and navigating various forms of dependency to achieve a balanced and fulfilling life.

Read More…

"That's My Boundary!"

2024/03/01 12:00 AM

In my March 1st post, I explore the nuanced challenge of communicating personal boundaries effectively, particularly highlighting the contention that can arise from directly stating "that's my boundary." I reflect on my personal experience that, as a man, hearing the word 'boundary' in conversations can feel provoking, often evoking strong and negative associations. I argue that expressing boundaries without explicitly using the term can lead to better understanding and respect from others. Through examples, I demonstrate how communicating limits with kindness and without shaming others fosters healthier relationships and understanding. I share a personal mishap with my daughter to underscore the learning curve involved in practicing what I preach. Emphasizing the importance of self-awareness, mindfulness, and compassion in boundary-setting, I advocate for a more subtle approach to communicating personal limits, suggesting that this can lead to more positive outcomes for all involved. Read More…

Tags: Relationships, Boundaries

Part 2: Strategies for Reducing Gossip and Fostering Positive Communication

2024/02/16 12:00 AM

This post outlines effective methods for minimizing the adverse effects of gossip and promoting healthy dialogue. It emphasizes the importance of self-awareness, encouraging individuals to reflect on their motives before discussing others and to focus on sharing positive stories and achievements. Addressing negative emotions constructively through counseling or journaling, challenging one's cognitive biases, and cultivating empathy are suggested to deter gossip. The piece advocates for creating a culture of positive communication by promoting transparency, supporting community building, and leading by example in displaying kindness and integrity. Inspirational quotes from various religious and philosophical texts underscore the value of speaking truthfully and kindly, reinforcing that mindful communication can foster environments where gossip does not thrive, leading to more supportive and enriching interactions. Read More…

Tags: Relationships, Boundaries

Part 1: Understanding the Draw and Dilemmas of Gossip

2024/02/01 12:00 AM

We all get caught in the gossip web: the allure of belonging, the thrill of juicy info, the temporary catharsis of negativity. But the damage is real - reputations tarnished, trust eroded, negativity rampant. Break free by questioning your motives, seeking healthier entertainment, and choosing kindness. Words have power - let's build a world where communication uplifts, not tears down. Read More…

Tags: Relationships

I Think vs I Feel

2023/12/30 04:48 PM

Main Points:

The choice between "I think" and "I feel" matters because it affects how others perceive your message and interact with you.
"I feel" expresses emotions and personal experiences, while "I think" presents opinions and beliefs open to discussion.
Using "I feel" effectively requires clear distinction between emotions and opinions. Marshall Rosenberg's "Nonviolent Communication" offers a helpful framework for using "I feel" authentically.

Examples:

"I feel sad..." (expresses emotion) vs. "I think it was unkind..." (expresses opinion)
"I think we should..." (suggests action) vs. "I feel upset..." (expresses personal reaction)

Benefits of Clarifying Usage:

Reduces misunderstandings and unnecessary arguments.
Encourages empathy and open communication.
Promotes personal responsibility for emotions and opinions.

Overall:
This post emphasizes the importance of using "I think" and "I feel" consciously to foster clear and respectful communication. By understanding the nuances of each phrase, we can avoid misinterpretations and build stronger relationships.
Read More…